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Pantyhose for men:
not what Nureyev would have worn

The Globe and Mail - July 12, 2003
By ROBERT MASON LEE

LONDON -- Some ideas seem destined to fail from the start. The Segway scooter. Ejection seats on helicopters. And, most recently, men in tights.

A German company caused a mild titter in Britain last month by introducing a line of tights for men. They are indistinguishable from the company's tights for women (they are available in a range from gossamer-thin 15 denier to rocket-deflecting 40 denier), but it nonetheless says "men's tights" right on the label. The different sizes fit up to a 54-inch hip and a body more than six feet tall. (See them for yourself at http://www.silk-stockings.co.uk/products.php, category heading Levee


Riot police were not needed to quell the rush of buyers to the shops.

The English male is notorious for cross-dressing, of course, from performers in drag at Oxford footlight reviews to the city banker who dives into the wife's lingerie drawer on weekends. But the company hopes to bring tights out of the closet, as it were. Intended for active and working men, the tights promise the purchaser more secure packaging and greater comfort for their manly bits.

The wearing of pants over the tights appears to be optional; however, a shirt that hangs low is recommended. They even come with testimonials from happy purchasers, including one Scottish policeman who claims the product assists him when giving foot chase -- although I'd wager he really buys them to keep his truncheon warm.
Tights, of course, are also known as pantyhose, although "tights" is far more descriptive to anyone who has ever tried to struggle their way into, or beyond, a pair.

Pantyhose were invented by hosiery antichrist Allen Gant Sr. in 1959, although it was not until 1965 that Glen Raven Mills developed the seamless version with opaque nylon top to coincide with the advent of the miniskirt.

This, to men, is remembered as the Tantalus Age, after the Greek king who was punished by being made to stand up to his neck in water that receded when he tried to take a drink, and under fruits that the wind blew away when he tried to take a bite. The miniskirt-pantyhose combination achieved much the same result.

Women of the world, take note: Men despise tights. Give us garters and stockings and we are yours on a leash. Give us tights and we'd rather watch football.

Tights are to stockings what the Big Mac is to hamburgers -- quick, cheap, convenient, but a far cry less satisfying than a flame-grilled pairing of knickers and silk.

There is no reason to suppose women will be any more well-disposed to men wearing tights. I once wore tights on a lark, when a woman friend dressed me in drag for a party. If the response men are seeking from women is not a gasp of astonishment but a fit of laughter, then tights are certainly the ticket.

True, when worn by Errol Flynn or Rudolf Nureyev, tights set off the region from waist to thigh to best advantage. But those were theatrical tights worn by men with a legendary advantage. For most mortal men, the possibility of wearing tights raises the obvious question: Where is the, er, front opening?

American technology, as always, has come to the rescue. Hoping to catch a similar wave in the States, a U.S. company has introduced its own line of men's tights. The company, ActivSkin, describes their product as "thermofabric stretch full support opaque waist performance wear" (or tights), which come with an optional fly.

The company is pitching the hose to U.S. troops serving in Iraq, where the tights are meant to "help them ward off sand fleas, and fatigue as well."

The Web site (http://www.glieberman.com/activskin) boasts that the hose provides climate control and enhances athletic performance. A 10 to 20 per cent discount is offered to servicemen, and the company insists "soldiers are asking for pantyhose." Perhaps this is what the Pentagon meant by shock and awe.


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